Some More Poems

I had to write an 8,000-word paper on William Blake by Jan 5.  On the evening of Dec. 29, one week before due-date, our professor sent out an email postponing the due date by a week.

 

 

          The Postponement

 

I should be jumping joy with glee

But feel the air’s knocked out of me;

My heart’s a flutter, knees are weak,

I don’t know where the peace to seek.

 

What pressure kept me on the straight,

Is gone for he has said ‘Oh wait—

You have one extra week to stew

Before that thing on Blake is due.’

 

 

 

* * * * * * * *

 

 

 

          The Postponed Deadline

 

The research was done, I was all set to write

And I knew I’d be doing this all through the night.

I’d told all the kids to make do on their own,

From me they’d not get even one chicken bone.

 

Then I heard a ding!

How that ding made me sing!

 

I looked and I saw: ‘Roston’s sent you a note.’

That ominous deadline is now more remote.

He’s relented a bit and the weeks now are two

Until that ol’ paper on Blake will be due.

 

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

The Medieval Period: Canterbury Tails

Moving right along, and following my poetry inspired by the Anglo-Saxon period (Walking the Curs) and the Medieval Ballad (Sir Pepper’s Balls), I present to you the “English translation”  (plus one section in Middle English) of my latest, based on Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.

Doggy-Bury Tails

Headlines and Mergers

(from an email from Ira L. J.)

Headlines (Apparently real ones)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Frank & Ernest by Thaves
[]
Frank & Ernest

Mergers

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics, Honeywell Computers, and Rothschild will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney, and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

What Fun to Use the English Language in Jest: MORE PUNS!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren’t funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Sorry, someone sent them to me so I sent them to you!

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Some more punnies

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians able to settle in North America first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro – what a rip off!

 

(Thanks to Gabi!)

The Monk’s Discovery

This arrived in my inbox. It’s too cute not to pass on, but unfortunately, I can’t find to whom to credit it, especially the lovely pictures. If you own the copyright to them, please let me know so that I can credit you.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 

 We missed the R

We missed the R!  We missed the R! His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, Father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,  

The word was…  CELEBRATE!!!”

 

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